Hi, I'm just here to advise all our Vodafone customers who are upset with our fantastic products and services to stay with us. Please give us another chance, we are taking our time attempting to somewhat resolve the national UMTS network issues via adding more GSM towers. That will alleviate capacity, since Vodafone has an strong client base of about 4.5 million highly satisfied customers and counting. Our merge with 3 has boosted our client base even further to about 7.5 million+, proving that Vodafone Australia is clearly the best option for a provider. If you all are still not satisfied with your current network service, then you should gently contact our wonderful foreign call centre. The adept technical support team will resolve the issues you are experiencing as fast as possible by offering unlimited escalations, language barriers, and misinterpretations. How great is that? You shouldn't be unhappy about our state-of-the-art Lara voice menu because she will provide you with all the transfers you need, including a bonus of up to 3 hour wait times, countless hours of exclusive music on hold, and the typical call cut off when you need it. We even conveniently provide no call back option since we don't want you calling back about how fantastic we are. Not only that, we have specifically poured our vast investment into Lara's voice recognition option so you all can enjoy a aggravating experience. We hope you believe she is a human, complete with our finishing touch of fake keyboard typing noises when she handles your account recharge or status. Vodafone is proud to announce the Infinite Plans. Not only do we want you calling and messaging as much as possible, we want every new or loyal customer to benchmark our network beyond the limit, leaving it unusable for other angry customers here. Included with the plans are super generous offers. You get frequent call dropouts points, almost no reception across the nation, exclusive sent messages arriving ages later, special barring of sending messages, lucky jackpot of erratic working calls, guaranteed lightning fast 3G speeds of 10Kbps average, and even limited access to your My Vodafone account. That's just unbelievable! If you are still not convinced to stay with Vodafone, then we'll let you in on a VIP offer. Your customer details will be accessed by criminals via our respectful employees. Don't worry, nothing is wrong, we'll reset the passwords every 24 hours and you won't be able to login to your My Vodafone account because we locked it down. If you are still concerned with that great offer, then just gently contact customer care, we'll offer you a special limited time 50% discount on your plan for 3 months. If you are going to leave Vodafone, then we'll give you another incredible offer of 3 months credit to your plan, so that you're stuck with us. Please stay, we don't want to face the TIO. Visit your local Vodafone store, the excellent caring staff will troubleshoot your mobile device or offer you another plan. This is Vodafone's primetime, please if you do leave, refer us to another potential customer because we need a big market share. Don't worry, Vodafone will take respectful and honest care with their customers. As you can see, there is no reason to leave. We offer the best products and services compared to other competitors. If you have any further inquiries, please gently contact our helpful customer care. If they can't get to you, try turning your phone on and off many times, otherwise find the ultra elusive call back option and we'll get back to you shortly as we are always so busy handling countless appraisals from our caring customers. If we don't get back to you, then wait 5 business days. If we get back to you and you're issue is not resolved, then it's not our problem. So please, we beg you not to abuse our sensitive compassionate staff in store. They are trying their absolute hardest to help you while serving under the company's oppressive commands. If your issues are still not resolved then give us a year to fix it, otherwise just leave with the help of TIO. All I can say is that those who leave are missing out on our famous marvellous products and services. We have the Infinite Plans, what more could you want? We are proud to be an Australian registered company with a call centre overseas. We hope you enjoyed reading this and are reconsidering your complaints. We hope you are convinced by what is stated here, to stay with us because you chose us for the best possible network in the first place. Thank you for choosing Vodafone. Power to you. - "An abused Vodafone Employee" P.S. - If you are having bad service for extended periods, please cancel your Vodafone plan as soon as possible, with the help of TIO for no penalty if you have to! They are so terrible recently. Rest assured.