Dear Cretins,
I have been an customer since 9th July 2010, when I signed up for your 24 month with phone and data deal. During this nine-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material
My network connection stopped without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a**e waiting for your operator to work out what I was calling about
I spent a further 257 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website I alleviated the boredom by playing with my t..ticles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers
I have been informed that the network is available (and someone will call me back); that no network info is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a network available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important t..ticle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought T were s.it, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose Voda, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b**tards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of incompetents of the highest order. Telecom - w..nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day -, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of *****. John